86. The Emperor

Thousand Full Moon: Dr. Raghunath Boradkar

Dr. Boradkar 83+ is a dear friend and a frequent contributor to the blog. He is a thinker and a poet.  Here is what he has to say:

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Recently I wrote an article, "My Encounter with the Emperor".

I had two books in my mind when I wrote it. First The other side of cancer by Dr Manu Kothari and Dr Lopa Mehta both professors of  Anatomy  GMC Mumbai. Second was the pulitzer prize winning book "The emperor of all maladies" by Dr Siddhartha Mukherjee. The article tells about my views on the subject and how I looked at it. It very personal but I would like to share it. 

 

The Emperor

Dr. R. V. Boradkar

The emperor came unannounced about three years ago. I can’t say that I liked his unexpected appearance, but I was left with no choice other than to receive him. Though unwanted, he made it very clear to me that he was not to go and so I had to allow him to stay.

I must admit that I had some trouble with him initially. He could have made my life miserable, but a major intervention on my part (and a few others) seemed to temporarily clear the problem. I had advice from many quarters suggesting that there were ways and means by which to get rid of him entirely and that I should do it. But I knew how stubborn he could be; he was not the one to leave easily.

And in addition, he had the potential to create trouble if irritated. Was the question “to be or not to be” or was it ‘to do or not to do’? I found myself face-to-face with a dilemma—a doctor’s dilemma really. I knew it was not easy to oust him. I thought of choosing the lesser evil and said to him… “Let us stay together; you have your way and I will have my own.” I assumed he might have agreed to these terms, as he was silent. He said nothing. It was I who got jittery. For every ill that befell me, I tended to hold him responsible. I knew it was wrong on my part and I suspect he knew that I was helpless. He was silent as ever.

Developing a symbiotic relationship with him was not easy. Not only I but everyone was geared up to treat him as an enemy. That was a natural reaction. No one had ever wanted him and neither had I. He was very powerful but in a destructive way. And therefore the only choice one had was to fight him, subdue him and finally defeat him with all the courage and might one could muster.

Though I was familiar with this general belief I did not fully subscribe to it. Somewhere deep within my mind, I thanked him for visiting me so late when I was quite advanced in age. However, it was difficult to call him a friend or a rescuer as there was too much morbidity associated with him. In spite of that, I did not perceive him to be a foe. He gave me time. But  He was what he was. A terminator. No more, no less.

So we lived together. There were days when I used to forget him. But on occasions he used to remind me just to tell me that he was there. I could stay without him but he had nowhere to go. Without me he was nothing and he must have known that. Did he realize that his mission was a suicidal mission? Did he know the day he decides to finish me, he too vanishes? Was this his dilemma too? I knew he was a protoplasmic mass but why was he so foolish to destroy that which sustained him? There were many questions in my mind that neither one of us could answer. Me and my mute partner! A relationship not enviable.

Every morning I get up I thank him for giving me another day. He is taking steady and sure steps. Is he afraid of life that continues in spite of him? Does he know that the forces of life are far stronger and more meaningful than he who has set himself on a destructive course? Has he not been a perpetual failure, the annihilator that failed?

If he could hear, I would want to tell him that I don’t despise him; he too is a part of life. It is very clear to me that we are inseparably bound, and we have to go together, but the ball is clearly in his court. He has to decide when he wants to destroy himself to destroy me. I am ready. He will win the battle but lose the war.

An encounter with an emperor of all maladies.

Raghunath Boradkar